Losing It

There's no reversing it.

I lay awake in my bed; it's midnight.

It's also dark.

I don't bother turning on the light- what's the use?

It's not like I´d be able to see even if I turned it on.

It's not as if I'd be able to see brilliant colors or breathtaking sunsets.

Everything is gone.

People surround me on a daily basis.

I can hear them laugh and squeal,

But yet I can't see their lovely, smiling face anymore.

I can barely even remember what my parents look like.

Did Mom have blue eyes? Or did she have green eyes?

What is green again? I forget…

I think back to when I was able to see things for myself.

The art I would create in school was respected by all.

Everyone would always say ¨You have so much talent!¨

I wonder what they would say now…

The Christmas lights in the snow-filled winter twinkled in the night

Like stars that decided to come down to Earth

Just to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.

Just thinking about books makes my eyes ache

And my brain restless.

My imagination packs its suitcase and heads out the door.

And don't tell me to just listen to an audiobook.

You must not know how to have fun reading

If you´d easily sub it in with listening to an audiobook.

You know what else makes me hurt?

Not being able to play volleyball.

I can hardly even attend a game

In the benches

Without having to bring a radio with me.

I remember the way the ball would bounce off my arms perfectly…

If I tried it now, it would instantly hit my face.

You could say I did not see it coming.

And my future husband…

I would never see him at the end of the aisle,

Smiling dreamily and happiness shining in his eyes.

I would hope he would think I looked beautiful

In whatever dress that was thrown onto me.

Even though I say this,

I can't even guarantee I'm going to get married someday.

I mean, I guess I can't blame them?

Don't get me started on how scary it is to be alone.

The streets that used to be something I didn't think about as dangerous

Is now one of the hardest problem I face everyday.

Having to make my way through crowds of people

Shoving me, making me stumble…

There were times when I would fall

And people would walk on by

As if I wasn't there.

My dream of traveling to places

Crushed instantly under the pressure

Of getting lost-

As if I'm not lost already.

The ¨voices in my head¨ aren't always imaginary.

I have been made fun of before.

People think

That because I can't see them

Means I can't feel them making faces at me.

It's an everyday struggle.

I think about it even in the shower as I constantly stumble

And mildly slip on water.

Sometimes I get tired

Of how negative I can get.

So, aside from all that,

I could probably say it does have its benefits.

I mean, sure, I can sense people making judgemental looks,

But sometimes I can block that out

And picture a mouth turned up in a smile

Of sincerity and honesty.

I can also somewhat stand horror movies.

As everyone jumps out of their seat,

I sit there.

Wondering what they´re so scared about.

My parents would also have the benefit

Of not needing to buy me glasses anymore!

(Although there may be other expenses).

Along with no glasses, there is so need for make-up.

Not that I used to wear it before becoming blind.

Plus, I can still speech in the winter.

And in speech, I don't need to look at people straight in the eye.

Being blind has it's ups and downs.

Maybe more downs than ups,

But you learn to live with it.

I mean, that´s what life's all about!

Life will punch the marbles out of you sometimes,

But you just have to get back up

And keep walking

Whether you can see the road in front of you

Or not.

-MTO