How to Gain a Man

 

Find where the male species chooses to locate fun

Now to scope out the options

Once one is targeted, stare in their direction so they know you're interested

After making eye contact, wiggle your eyebrows and smile 

(trust me it isn’t weird)

When they start approaching quickly turn your head in the opposite direction

(don’t wanna make it obvious)

Then when you feel their breath tickle your neck turn to face them

Start chuckling after looking into the eyes

Now whisper to him “hello my fine male”

(males love compliments)

After he properly thanks you start batting your eyelashes very fast until he compliments you

When he doesn’t proceed with handfuls of compliments glance over his shoulder to find a different male specimen and repeat the process

Later when a man finally hands a compliment in return walk away 

(this will leave him wanting more)

No need to give him any contact information if he wanted to he will

Stay delusional

-Marae

How To Poem

Find a course that is twelve hours long

And spend four days working through it

Spend most of your time trying to figure out what the tutor is even talking about

Or troubleshooting decade old bugs

A thirty hour wait isn’t too bad

Certainly I won’t need to use my computer for the next two days

Think you can put off learning the important parts for a little longer

And that will be six hundred dollars a month for the software you’ll use once

Have fun learning fifty keyboard shortcuts

Because the designers of this stuff have never heard the word “intuitive” before in their lives

A good workflow is months of hopelessness followed by a week of creative passion

Never make a presentable final product

Because the next thing you make will surely turn out better

-Myk

How To Be a Fly

 How To Be A Fly 

Show up randomly, and don’t leave!

Keep buzzing, it’s music to human ears!

Make yourself right at home on your human of choices arm,

Bite if you have to,

Just avoid the fly swatter. 

-Allitini

How to Be My Sister

 Obtain a balanced schedule, almost like a cat… Stay awake for two hours, sleep for 2 hours, repeat!

Run away from all forms of sanitation… soap, hand sanitizer, etc.

“Wash” your face with only a wet washcloth… no soap.

Listen to Morgan Wallen on repeat.

Take a single bite out of a piece of food and put it back.

Drink straight out of the milk container.

Run away from Febeze at full speed because the smell isn’t refreshing to you.

Chase cats around the yard…even though they obviously don’t enjoy your presence.

Refuse to drink creamer in your coffee if it’s not frothed.

Drive 90 mph in a 30 mph as if the law doesn’t apply to you.

Crank your music as loud as the speakers will go without blowing them.

Wear hoops at all times… no ifs, ands, or buts.

 Squint cuz you can’t see because you refuse to wear your glasses. 

Get called Cryley by your family members.

Master the “Famous Eyeroll” that you inherited from your mom.

-Squid

How to Not do a Presentation

Choose a topic that you are interested in.

Sit back and relax as you don’t need to work on the presentation yet, its due in two weeks

Notice that your teacher says in class that next week the presentations are due and we will be presenting them in class.

Freak out and realize that you haven’t done anything

Decide to finally work on it but be on your phone half of the time

Make a poster last minute because you saw that it was required

Finish the project but it looks terrible

Bring it to class rolled up and put it in the corner

Don’t pay attention to the other presentations because you’re worried that yours isn’t done yet

Proceed to do that all week till the last day of presenting projects

Finally get called on by the teacher to present your project

Get the jittery feeling and clammy hands as you walk over to your ball of a poster

Take the rubber band off and try to keep the poster straight against the white board as it keeps falling off

Remember that you don’t have note cards so you try to remember your presentation the best you can

As you begin your presentation you stutter on your words as you never practiced

Along with your poster falling off every 20 seconds

After you finish your poster falls off as a grand finale

You look around the room to see the disappointed look on your teachers as you look over

You sigh in defeat as this was a major train wreck

This is why you don’t procrastinate

By:Cat Lover