Should of said goodbye

As I'm sitting on our wooden swing petting my dog Buster, who thinks he is still small enough to sit in my lap. He gets up and starts barking at something off in the distance. I look up not expecting to see anything other than a cow, but only I see you. Kota, my first dog that I've loved. You come running up to me still as fast as ever, and golden fur shining in the sun. Once you get to me you jump into my arms wagging your tail and look at me with that devilish grin that you've always had. Buster for some reason isn't freaking out about you, he just sits there politely. Kota if you were still here I bet you two would have been the best of friends. I sit there scratching behind your ears like you've always loved and stare at you, it's been six years since I've seen you. I'm sorry I never told you goodbye, I thought once I came back home you would still be there. Do you know how guilty I felt, laughing and having fun with Hanna. While you were probably scared out of your mind. Dad said that we couldn't have a dog running into town all the time. You were just a puppy yet, you didn't know any better. So he said that he had to go put you down, but then you jumped out of the back of the pickup and ran away. The worst thing is thinking that you were coming back. That you just ran away for a bit, but would be back soon like usual. For the longest time I cried myself to sleep, and I would count the weeks that you were gone. It was week 11 when I finally lost count. It would feel wrong to laugh or enjoy myself when you were gone. I forgot  joe long it had been, when I finally realized that you weren't coming back. For awhile I even let myself think that you were still alive and that another family found you and loved you as much as I did. I loved you so much that I would let you lick my face all over. Even though I knew mom would make me rinse my mouth out with hydrogen peroxide. I loved how crazy wild you were and how you knew the farm better than anyone of us. Running around with you and you would jump all over me cause that's how excited you got. Then I would be tired and lay down on the ground and you would lay next to me so calm and quiet, like you didn't even have a hyper bone in your body. Looking at you now I know you found peace, with the way your big brown eyes seem so content. I bury my face in your fur and this time, told you goodbye. You lick my face one last time, I know that's  your way of telling me that you miss me too. You turn and walk away from me, but I said goodbye so it's going to be okay this time.

PK