Counting Sheep

I have so many people in this world that care so much about me.  Why me?  Why now?  As I lay unconscious, I wonder.  My mind flees to the good old days when I was younger, and all of the memories with my family.  Why can't I make my body work again?

I see myself.  Not my normal peppy self, but myself.  I see my stone cold body and limp hair laying in the sheet white hospital bed.  I see my family surrounding the tiny room.  How can I see them?  How can I see myself?  Why am I above them?  I yell my dads name.  He doesn't seem to hear me.  I try to nudge my brother, he acts as though he doesn't feel me.  Suddenly, the doctor comes into the room.  I backup from the enormous crowd of people and listen to what he has to say.  "Erin has had major trauma to the brain."  He continues, "When the roller coaster broke, Erin plunged to the ground at a very fast rate."  "She landed head first."

None of this made any sense to me.  I never rode roller coasters.  I hated amusement parks.  I never remember any of that happening.  Nevertheless, here I am.  My dad is now sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed, sobbing.  The doctor starts his next statement with a little hesitation, "As a family, you may want to consider if and when you would like to take Erin off of life support."  He walked out of the room while saying "sorry" repeatedly with his eyes.

The day goes on and every member of my family makes their way back to the house.  Everyone of them leaned down and kissed me before leaving the hospital room.   My parents alternated with which one left, and came back so that someone was always with me.  Watching my parents like this was a stab to the heart.  My parents love me more than anything, and they told me that everyday.  I don't want them to feel helpless like this.  Why is this happening? It still doesn't make sense, I hate roller coasters.

A week passed and just about the whole town came to see me.  My extended family, my friends, and even people I've never even talked to.  I didn't feel that special when I was alive.  Why are all these people coming to see me now?  One girl in my class came to see me that was always mean to me.  I have no idea why she would be making any effort to show sympathy.  I always wondered why she hated me so much.  When she came in that afternoon, I found out.

My mom stepped out of the room to let her come in.  She sat down and started crying uncontrollably.  I was lying there cold and absent.  She took my hand and tried to collect her thoughts into words.  "So, I bet you are wondering why I am here right?"  I let out a chuckle to that question.  "The only reason I treated you badly all those years was because I felt threatened by you."  "My mom raised me to be the best of the best.  When you came along, I felt like you could've beat me at my own game.  I thought if I let you shine my mom wouldn't love me anymore."  She continued, "We probably could've been great friends too."  All these years that's all I needed to hear.  I wish I could have one more chance to make it right.

As I watch a machine make my body breathe I think about how ironic it is that I am stuck in my own body.  I never thought this would be how I died.  I feared drowning or getting in a car accident would end my life.  Looking back, I really wish I wouldn't have worried about everything like I did.  I was never one of those "do it now, think about it later" type of girls.  I was that girl that thought about it now, thought about it later, and then thought about it again.  If I had a second chance that would definitely be something I would do a little different.

A little over a year ago I watched my grandpa hang onto his life by a thread.  Cancer seemed to like his lungs, his stomach, and just about everything else.  Simultaneously, he got better and better.  In no time he was out of the ICU and back in the comfort of his own home.  None of us believed it.  When all of the drama settled down I went to see him.  We watched westerns together and talked about everything under the sun.   "What was it like to be that sick?" I asked.  He said, "God put me through that for a very good reason Erin."  I puzzled on that answer for awhile before going on to my next question.  "What was it like to just be existing from day to day?"  He hesitated then replied with a casual shrug of the shoulders.  Now I know what he was trying to say.

I was a sixteen year old girl who had it all.  I had the perfect family, the best friends, and the flawless car everybody wanted.  I loved everything high school had to offer me.  I wasn't too worried about my life after high school.  As far as I was concerned none of that seemed important at the time.  Looking back on it now I spent way too much time worrying about how I looked and what I wore than actually spending time with my family.  I would go out with my friends every weekend and party until the break of dawn.  I was invincible.

The doctor came into my hospital room with a look of desperation on his face.  "Have you talked as a family regarding what you want to move forward with for Erin?"  My dad looked at my mom with a tear in his eye.  "What are our chances that she would wake up from this coma?" my mom managed to stutter this sentence out between her sobs.  The doctor began, "You're looking at about a 5% chance she would come out of this coma."  My mom melted into a bag of tears in my fathers arms.  It was at this very moment I realized how truly gorgeous my mom is.  Her dark brown hair fell perfectly while her loving eyes poured out all her pain.  Her skin suggested she was a mother of four ornery children.  Her hands were tough as nails yet gentle and comforting.  Her tear soaked face looked at the doctor once more.  "I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do." the doctor sounded empathetic.  No words were spoken between them, but my parents came to a silent agreement; they would take me off of life support.

I couldn't help but feel lost and scared.  What would happen to me?  I don't want them to take me off of life support, but I can't stay like this forever.  I can't stand to see my family go through this one more day.  I guess I just have to come to accept their decision and move on.  Although, I don't know how I can become comfortable with dying.

My family said their goodbyes to my still body.  I tried to remember what each member of my family looked like.  Their carmel brown hair, different colored hazel eyes, and their gorgeous smiles.  As I watched them walk out the door for the last time, tears escaped my eyes violently. The doctor came in and did what he needed to do.  As my heart rate plummeted to zero, I started to feel weird.  My whole body went numb.  Was this what it felt like to die?  I started to see all black.  "This is it," I thought.  Then all of this sudden I jump awake in my bed at home.  I knew I didn't like roller coasters, it was just a dream.

SAT