Perfect Match

Hi! My name is Ferguson and my most unattractive quality is that I chew with my mouth open. Honestly I just make weird noises with my mouth altogether. I slurp, I chomp, I crunch and I make odd pig noises. I’m the most obnoxiously loud chewer in the world. I can’t stand to hear other people make those noises, yet, I can’t help it! I’ve tried to eat softer foods but somehow it’s just as loud!. When I eat a banana, it sounds like a screwdriver going through a garbage disposal, and that’s one of the softest foods in the world! Even when I take a drink I make slurping, gargling noises! Whenever I take a drink of pop, it sounds like I’m opening a new can of pop over and over again! I wish I could fix it but I don’t know how, so I’m looking for someone who can overlook my noises and love me for me.

Dear Ferguson, my name is Olive. I used to chew like that too, but I got surgery to fix it. I am a oral surgeon who has a solution to your problem. It sound like you grind your teeth while eating and even drinking for that matter. It also sounds like you have large cheeks that echoes the sounds. It would help to get cheek reduction surgery. Also, you need to start wearing grind guards because, unlike rodents, our teeth do not grow constantly. I’d like to go on a date with you! How about my OR next week at 8:00 to get that cheek reduction surgery you so desperately need.

April J.