If I lost my sense of hearing tomorrow, I'd miss music
Not just the lyrics or the tune, not even the melody
But the way music would always find me
When I didn't know how to find myself
Even if I didn't know I was drowning
All the lyrics I'd scream until my voice gave out
The songs that would become a memory
Of someone gone or far without even asking
The loudest reminder that I am here and I have a voice to share
But I'd also miss my family if I were stripped of my ears
I would give anything to hear my mom call my name
Even if she just wanted me to grab her a paper or a pen
To hear a joke my sister makes and laugh at it even though it's not remotely funny
To hear all of the little things that I never stopped to think mattered
“Did you eat,” “Be careful.” “Come home soon.” “I love you.”
Words I'd usually answer without a thought crossing my mind
But those words would become a faint memory
I'd spend the rest of my life yearning and desperately searching for
I'd miss my friends all the more
If I couldn't hear
Their terrible jokes; we would end up on the ground over
Their loud laughs at something that honestly wasn't that funny
I'd miss the way they say my name and the little nicknames
the ones that came out of nowhere but became so natural to us
Over time I'd miss our late-night conversations starting with anger
ending in tears of laughter
Because now I realize those moments, those little things, they meant everything
We would have talked about nothing and everything
All at once
Without even knowing we had
Healing problems we never caused, wiping tears we never knew others saw
But I think the most selfish thing I would miss
Would be knowing other people could hear all the things I missed
But knowing there were people before me
People who would give anything to hear when I could
To hear all the things I took for granted at the time
And I only realized it when it was all gone
I have now realized that
It took silence to understand just how lovely it all actually was
How beautiful a cruel world is
if you stop and listen to those
who share their problems
To those who care and slow down to listen
I think now, sitting here
I miss the small pointless things
Nobody ever notices
The things we are accustomed to
A dog barking
Doors opening
Cars pulling into the driveway
After a late-night drive
My brothers screaming at their video games
The things that once annoyed me
The things I had wished I could mute
All gone, and despite it all, I truly miss you
A phone ringing
Because someone wanted to talk to me
Something I once missed because I was “too busy”
All gone without a blink
I'd miss the chaotic world
Without realizing
Just how much of it was all sound
Maybe if I had known
I would have paid more attention
to all these things
A fly buzzing by
A car horn honking
But now I sit and hold onto old videos just to watch their mouths move
I'd watch my family laugh without even hearing the joke
I'd watch my friends talk and pretend for a second that I could still hear them
But I think that would destroy me
Not the silence itself
Not like a headache or a bruise, but something deeper
Like waking up one morning
and realizing the world has been taken from you
But remembering that once upon a time I could hear them and never realized
I was living in a world I would one day
Be begging to bring all of that sound back
I sat back all my life thinking about all of the what ifs
Now why should I sit here and dwell more
Waste more of my life on being upset about the things I don't have
When honestly I have what I do compared to others
And maybe now
I would sit there with my headphones on anyway
Even though I can't hear a thing
Just hoping that somehow the music would remember me
How I deeply remember it and hold it dear to me
So if I can hear you now
I want to listen
I want to memorize every
Laugh every “I love you.”
Every annoying little sound you make without thinking
Because one day the world might go quiet
And if it does
I hope I spent enough time listening to the people I truly love
and that their voices
Will never completely leave me.
K.P.
