Impossibly flawless

A quick glance in the mirror is all I give myself. It's not worth it to look any longer, at the completely imperfect mind, body, and face that stares back at me with the most disappointed look. A look that says, " I'm not satisfied." The longer I look, the more confidence I lose.  There are too many things not good about me, inside and out. The golden hair on top of my head is masked to my scalp with layers of oil it has produced. No matter what I do, no matter what shampoo I try, no matter how long I stay in the shower digging violently at every angle of my skull to get it fully washed out, nothing gets rid of the oil. I look at my legs and think to myself how gross I feel for not shaving them, then again I restate that thought because there are many reasons I don't shave them every two days. Like the fact that every single time my legs are as soft as a baby's butt right as I shave them, I get out of the shower and get goosebumps..causing it to grow one milli-centimeter! So what's the point if it grows right back literally a minute later? I glance at my face.. There's a red blemish causing my glowing, smooth, pale-pink skin to look impossibly flawless. I slip on the outfit of the day, excited to dress up for once. Then I slowly depict rotten details out like how my jeans are too loose around my waist, or how this shirt makes my stomach look fat. Maybe I am fat, after all  I'm not a size zero, nor will I ever be. Every time I try to lose a few pounds here and there I gain it all back right away. I guess that's what I get for working at a restaurant! Aside from my problems constantly gaining weight, I have depression. Yes it runs in the family, grandma's mom died when she was nine years old, that's when she got depression and anorexia, almost all my aunts on my dad's side have both of those diseases. I happen to have one. I don't take medication for it because I'm against it. I think that if I have a problem I need to fix it myself. I feel like the medicine is ibuprofen with a different label, and it's meant to make me think it will work. No I haven't actually gone to the doctor and asked them if I have depression, but I don't need to pay someone a bunch of money to tell me I'm sad. I'm pretty much an adult in a 15 year old's body. I pay all my own bills, work three jobs, have a boyfriend, and all the things I could ever want. I'm starting to lose some things though. My family and I never talk because we can't talk without arguing. I can't stand people's decisions, and I am constantly annoyed, sad, and stressed. Nothing goes right in my mind. People try to help, but they don't understand. I cry too much, I'm mad too much.  I just wish I could be happy all the time, instead of turning everything into a sad, pissy situation. He says he loves me for me, and I know he does. Sometimes I think he's crazy, because you can't love someone so possibly flawed. But then I hear his words, "I love you" and think to myself what those words mean coming from him. Somebody who has seen my best days, my worst days, my completely bitchy days, my sad days, and my days where I love life so much I could scream it at the top of my lungs! If someone else can see the best in me through all the bad, why can't I see it too? Maybe being possibly flawed is what people really want. Maybe the little mistakes in my mind, body, and face aren't mistakes after all. I may not be size zero, perfect hair, skin, or have the happiest thoughts all the time, but I am happy with who I am, and I am flawless.

AN